Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2001-11-08 - 8:56 a.m.

More Geek Bowling Tips

This week I thought about two important Geek Bowling tip areas that I have not yet covered. These are Geek Bowling Etiquette, and Geek Bowling Health. These are almost as important as bowling over 100, because even if you are a master bowler if you do not take care of these things people will not like you, AND you will fall down.

First I'll share what I learned about Etiquette. Etiquette is important because you want people to enjoy bowling with you, and because if you fall down you want them to help you up, or at least stop laughing. So there are rules, and no one told them to me, I just had to learn the hard way. Here is one: do not bowl until the bowler on the other side of you has bowled. You can see why this must be true, because if the guy next to you is one of those Zen bowlers and he has been holding his ball and getting all into his Bowl Zone and you suddenly streak by on his left yelling "FORE!" and hurl YOUR ball, then he gets all messed up and he may get very angry with you, and he is holding a fourteen pound ball.

So one must wait politely while he Zens down and bowls his strike, by which time the guy on the LEFT of you in now creating his own Zen Bowling Zone, psyching those pins, and so you must wait for him, too. In fact, you must wait until someone behind you yells "For Chrissakes bowl already!" and startles you, at which time you may rabbit down and throw your ball directly into the gutter and blame it on them. Which is really all right, because you wanted a smoke break anyhow.

Another Etiquette point is giving proper attention and appreciation to other league players. For example, once in a while some bowling master will actually THROW the ball, using perseverance and fortitude to hang onto the ball long after most people would release it, resulting in an incredibly loud BOOM in the lane. When someone accomplishes this, it is important to stop all bowling activity immediately and look in that direction and say, "Wow, who did THAT?" Your fellow bowlers will appreciate this recognition. I know because I once managed not only to throw the ball but to throw it BACKWARDS, and although I did not get any points for this feat, I did get that respectful silence AND they let me bowl two more times in that turn.

Which brings us up to Bowling Health. Many new bowlers, high on those bowling endorphins, do not realize how hard bowling is on the body. You might notice all those pitchers and glasses full of Gatorade on those little tables and podiums. The constant stress of maintaining your Zen Bowling Zone and rolling that ball right down the middle uses calories and nutrients that must be replaced. Runners have their PowerBars; for bowling, I recommend the Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato sandwich on white bread from the grill. It is a nutrient-packed combination of protein, fat, and salt, nicely packaged in bowling-friendly format. Get one of those hand-towels too, or you will bowl backwards afterwards.

If you keep your nutritional stamina up, you will be less likely to fall down in the third game, unless of course you actually walk into the lane. Do not walk into the lane. This is important. I did not even have to do this myself to learn about it. My boyfriend did it. They oil these lanes, and if you go down there you will fall down and you will not get the points for a strike, and if you get up and fall right down again that does not count as a spare, either. And even though you have all been working out hard at your keyboards, people over age seven can get hurt when they fall down and then you will have to spend your bowling money on a heating pad and Tylenol and you may miss bowling next week and you will not get your bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, either.

So: respect the Zen bowlers, wipe your hands, and buy a heating pad. I am learning lots about bowling, and I hope it helps you too.

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