Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2002-08-02 - 7:17 a.m.

What I Wouldn't Do

The amusement park we went to offered bungee jumping, for a whopping additional fee. Now, I have to talk about that: bungee jumping. Because I think the world is clearly divided into two groups of people - those who would bungee jump, and those with brains.

(I have to insert an apology/disclaimer to my best friend, because I know she has bungee jumped, AND she has a brain. There is an exception to every rule, and she SAID she wouldn't do it again, although there was rather a gleam in her eye when she told me that.)

Still. Watching them fasten people into that harness, checking it over very very carefully, giving instructions ("Now, don't puke at the top of the arc or you'll swing right back through it") and hauling them up into the sky - I knew, deep in my heart, that although my brainpower may be questionable. it will never be ME in that harness. Never, never, never. You know how they tell you "Never say never"? I'm saying it.

I've been rock climbing and rappelling and I've been parasailing, although all of these things were years ago, so I guess I'm not immune to the urge to get strapped into a harness, but riding a giant rubber band? Tell me WHY, people. Pretty much what you're doing is fooling our entire limbic system that you are about to DIE - here comes the GROUND - and then yelling "PSYCH!!!" at the last minute. That's not nice. If you did that enough, you could one day be standing in the middle of the street and a semi could go out of control and come straight at you, and your frontbrain would be saying "RUN! RUN!" and your body would be all, "Nahh, not falling for that again," and that would be the end of you. It could happen.

And I really, really don't want to see my life flash before my eyes, unless I could get some sort of control over what parts I got to see. For example, I would like to know what happened to that other black shoe. Maybe it would be worth the fee to get that shoe back. But somehow I think you probably get a more canned version, and I'd be stuck watching my first steps or a replay of my wedding; not interested. D'you suppose it's actual footage or dramatic reenactment? I mean, I hate dramatic reenactments, but they'd probably be safer, because if it's going to be actual footage you'd probably find out that your kids are right, you do look stupid when you dance.

I did stand and watch people do this, though. There's gotta be a weird psychology to that: People Who Watch Other People Bungee Jump. Ripley's Believe it Or Not came on the television in the motel room, with guys hanging from hooks inserted in their skin, and we turned THAT off - but bungee jumping, hey, let's stand here a minute and see some stupid. Let's watch natural selection at work. Do you think the hook guys have thought about bungee-hooks? We should write to them.

Some of the people doing this were just teenagers, too. When they're done reviewing their lives, what do they do for the rest of the ride? Or do they get greater detail than the rest of us do? Do we middle-aged kind of get the Reader's Digest Condensed Version? "And then you grew up! You had kids! And now you're here! SPLATT!" Only you don't splatt, of course, because this is an amusement park that has to carry liability insurance, and they can't afford to lose even the occasional bungee jumper ("98% risk-free!" I don't THINK so.)

And that would be it in a nutshell - when watching people get dropped from great heights, if your first thought is not, "Kewl! Where do I get in line?" but "Jesus, what do you suppose they pay for the liability insurance?" then your bungee years have passed you by anyway.

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