Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2001-05-04 - 4:02 p.m.

Collect Alcoholics - Win Valuable Prizes

I collect drunks.

Some of them were given to me, and some I went out and got for myself, but over my lifetime I've amassed quite a collection.

It's probably not the best choice. They're not like all my elephant tsatskes, that I just have to dust once in a while. Oh, let's get honest - that I SHOULD dust once in awhile, but don't. No, drunks require far more maintenance than ceramic elephants.

It's not that they're expensive to acquire. Actually, they're a dime a dozen in most places, and many people already have way more than they need. It's not even that they're not appreciating, although I am quite sure that Elvis Signature Memory Wall Plate with 18 Karat Gold Accents would have been a better investment choice - but that's hindsight.

But the maintenance costs are so high on the damned things. It's like getting an old Jaguar XKE as a gift - hey, sure, it's free, but how you gonna get the PARTS? Drunks are more than just a passing phase - they're a serious life commitment.

So I flirt with the idea of Al-Anon, which is where I understand other collectors like me meet. I don't know, maybe you can trade 'em around there, or something. Maybe there's an aficionado's newsletter, with classified ads and all.

My best friend has a whole boatload of hard-earned serenity. Every once in awhile, with love, she'll give me the gentle non-proseletyzing Al-Anon "Well, this is something you might want to think about."

And I do. I think about it. I think about it on the way to the store, when I am deciding whether or not to buy my mother the ecomony size-bottle of Old Tailgate Vodka she's requested.

Is it more enabling to BUY the vodka, thereby providing the drunk with her means and possibly signifying endorsement? Or is it more co-dependent to refuse to buy the vodka, thereby taking responsibility for her choices AND probably embroiling myself in a really pointless argument with an elderly drunk?

You see? Elephants are easier.

And I think about years ago, when my child was hospitalized and I had to stay with her, and my mother - who didn't come to my wedding or the birth of the child - was the one who drove across town to the hospital to bring me a pack of Newport Kings, and never said, "You shouldn't be smoking."

Hmmmm.

Do they have good coffee, at these meetings? Should I bring my drunks, or just pictures? Will their be rallies?

Incidentally, I forgot the vodka at the store. So maybe that was the right thing.

But then I went back for it.

Shit, I don't know.

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