Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2001-05-13 - 9:56 a.m.

What We're Secretly Saying

"What Do Women Secretly Say Behind Their Lover's Backs? The Jaw-Dropping Answers Will Leave You Shaking Your Head in Disbelief!"

Huge print on the outside of an envelope that appeared in the mail last week.

Actually, two copies of it appeared in the mail, at my boyfriend's house: one for me, one for him, to the same address. So there's no doubt about who sold our names - thank you, International Male Catalog. (This is a CLOTHING catalog, people, in spite of what it sounds like, or where they sold our names.)

So, do you want to know what women are saying about men behind their backs?

"67 percent of women say they're unhappy with their lover's penis size."

This entire envelope is a selling tool (pardon) for a product guaranteed to - no, wait, I have to quote them. I am NOT making this up:

"it will make your penis grow in both length and thickness by a whopping 26%."

So, this is very funny, right? I'm reading it at my boyfriend's, and I'm howling. But then I notice: he's, kinda like, not. Well, he is, but then, he isn't. And I'm thinking, no matter how mature and secure the male is, you can still hit them where they hurt with this shit, can't you?

And then I started to get pissed off.

I mean, here's my guy, and we've been together for a few years now, and while we have our share of troubles of various sorts, we're pretty tight. And he's not a boy in a locker room, and he's not a "typical" male with an ErectoCarrera midlife appendage-extending sports car. But at some level outside of where he and I relate, this garbage got to him. He had to wonder, "Why am I getting this? Did she, like, sign us up for something? Is there something I don't know?" Yeah, I stopped at one of those card tables outside the grocery store, the ones with the big banner "Is his equipment sadly lacking? Sign up HERE." I had to stand in line, too.

It doesn't matter how fast the thought came and went in his mind. It was THERE, and I'm pissed at these people about that.

If they can touch MY man, even a little bit, envision some poor lonely schmuck in his apartment, reading this stuff - "Your penis is extremely unfit and smaller than what it could be..." - and figuring they MUST be telling the truth, and THAT'S why he hasn't got a girl, and writing out that check.

And maybe another check, and another one after that? Because MAYBE it's working? I mean, you'd have to measure it, wouldn't you? And...umm...well, how DO you measure it? It's not exactly a flat surface, is it? I can't even decide my SHOE SIZE by standing on those footprints at the store, so how can you...?

These kindly merchants have tried to help out with that; one of the papers in the envelope provides the genital equivalent of those footprints, so you can see what the "average" man supposedly has, and then of course, what this man WILL have after he writes that check, which is actually only a seriously depleted checkbook balance. And I howled at these Measurement Aids, too, and then I stopped rather abruptly and looked at my guy and said, "You DIDN'T measure, did you?" And he laughed and said no, of course he didn't. But you know what? I wouldn't bet my last dollar on that. This thing was just that evil.

And by the way, you're carefully advised to discontinue after you've reached nine inches - "you'll be too big for many women". So the stuff MUST be real, right? I mean, if they even tell you to stop? And this schmuck writing the check - he's not planning to stop. Hell, if nine inches is good, think how many girls he could get with twelve. Fourteen, yeah, he'd join the Y just so he could SHOWER there. 67% of the women in the world would want him then, wouldn't they? He'd be...a CONTENDER.

In case you think they women got left out of the picture here: "nothing beats the look on my lover's face...watching her gasp...almost in fear..."

Oh yeah, baby. Fear - that's what does it for ME. And, apparently, 67% percent of the female population. Right.

As a society, we do some horrible things to women, I know we do - I grew up here. But this is the first thing that really pissed me off for the male portion of the population. We tell them, "This is how we are going to judge you - this is what counts, no matter what anyone tells you when you grow up." And then later we add, "And by the way - it's too small."

So I'm pissed at International Male for selling us out, and I'm pissed at the guy that signed this letter, even though he probably doesn't exist. Somebody does, somebody's running this scam, and to him or to her I say: Yes, a part of you is grotesquely underdeveloped. And I don't think it can be fixed.

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