Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2001-07-24 - 9:49 p.m.

Control Issues

I went to get out the pickles to make tuna salad today, and way down at the bottom of the jar was one small, stunted, misshapen pickle. One. When did THAT happen?

For so long, I have lived for the day when the kids could get things for themselves. "God gave you hands, too," I tell them. Or, "In our house we have a special feature - water runs right out of a pipe in the sink! No, really, check it out! ANYONE can hold a glass under there and get some!"

Now, sometimes, they do get for themselves. Water. Ice (although refilling ice trays is a more complex skill, to be mastered much later.) And, apparently, pickles.

Wait. I didn't mean I was willing to give up any CONTROL here. My ice, my food, my kitchen, my pickles. I am the Big Pickle Comptroller around here. I don't want you messing with things when I'm not looking.

I remember this from having my stepkids in the house when they were teens. "Hey, what happened to the bagel dogs I bought yesterday?" "We ate them." "No, I mean the CASE I bought at Costco yesterday." "We ate them."

And from my own childhood, my mother wailing, "Every time I buy food, you kids just eat it! I can't keep food in this house!" This was a source of much amusement to "us kids." What was she planning on DOING with the food? Keeping it to admire?

Okay, Ma; I get it. When you're the Pickle Comptroller, you get to dole them out. You note how full the jar is, and you're satisfied. You have pickles. Any time you get a wild urge to make potato salad, you know you're covered.

But now, at any time, there may be a pickle pillage. An olive orgy. Cereal looting. I could buy anything, and they, they, they could just EAT it.

Nothing is safe.

If they can do that, the little hellions, they could help themselves to anything. Toilet paper. Bath soap. Orange juice. Who knows what could go next? It'll be anarchy. I've been deposed.

I think my laundry soap is still safe. And my toilet bowl cleaner, and my quarts of motor oil.

I'm going to go count them.

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