Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2001-10-11 - 4:56 p.m.

Those Movies

When I was in grade school (Younger Daughter says that's when there were dinosaurs, but I never noticed any) we had to see a set of films. You know the ones - they separated the girls from the boys and took us all into the Multi-Use room for them. Everybody in the fifth grade had to go at once - they weren't showing THOSE films more than one time, no sir. "You and Your Body", I think. Or maybe it was, "Becoming a Woman". Something really fork-gagging like that. There was one about boys, too and we saw that one right after, but I don't remember a thing about it, although I have always loved the word epididymis.

So today I was thinking; I want to make a set of those films. Real ones, that tell you the stuff you NEED to know. Not sponsored by Modess, no smarmy junk, just real information.

First I guess I have to separate the boys and the girls, right? Okay. Boys, go over here and read Mousepoet for a while, you'll learn something real about being a man and all that, except here are a few things he might not mention that you'll need later on: Yes, it's plenty big enough. Yes, don't worry, they all do it, even President Bush and Barry Bonds. And the last thing: Want to know how to get all you can handle, and them some? Forget spending money on aftershave - just learn to be a good listener. It really works. Trust me. Okay, go on, get outta here.

Okay. Girls. Here we are. This is my film, and it's not called "Becoming a Woman" like they used to be, because you don't have to become a woman. You are one. You've been one since you were born, since before you were born, and certainly since the first time you cried when they locked up Dumbo's mommy, or the time you put that poster of Leo DiCaprio on your wall and he didn't even have his shirt off. Yeah. You've always been there.

What's happening now, what's changing now, is that you're getting ready to be FERTILE. That's what it means. You are shortly going to be capable of having babies. Now, I have some important homework for you. Go home tonight and ask your mother, "How do I start a baby?" This is important, now. Ask even if you think you know. Ask her five minutes before dinner. If she doesn't stop what she's doing and talk to you, if she doesn't explain this part of it or at least start, then you come right on back here to me and I'll....get you a library book, or something. That stuff is Not Covered In This Chapter.

This next part is, though. This next part is about anatomy, and you have to watch it carefully. You ought to know how your insides work. No surprises, and they're really kind of neat how they do what they do, and anyway if you pay attention to this part you will later in life be able to say, "Oh, LEFT ovary this month" immediately before you puke, and this will be a comfort.

Okay. Now here's the next part, and this is about what really happens. This is the part where we talk about how you wait and hope for this day and then it comes - and then 24 hours later you're going, "Oh NO, you're kidding, I'm going to do THIS for the rest of my life?"

Well, yeah. More or less. It's not the rest of your life really, but you'll handle that part when you come to it. For now, though, yeah, that's the idea. You get used to it. But I want you to do some things right now to help yourself. First, go down to the store - go with Mom when she goes, get some money from her, and then pretend you aren't with her, you're already good at that - and go down to THAT aisle and pick out some different stuff. Get the stuff that says "teen" on the box, a couple boxes. Now go up to the front of the store and get in the line with the young male checker. You can do this. I have faith in you. Just get it over with now. He checks a lot weirder stuff than THAT through every day. Now you've got one tough thing all done, in advance.

And now you've got some stuff to play with at home. This is good, because it's a good time to find out how this all works, more or less. You'll find out that wings are pretty neat except if you have pubic hair, the glue will rip it right out. That hurts. So you got to decide if that's worth it to you. And you'll see in the instructions for some of this stuff where it says "do NOT flush used product" or "do not flush this applicator!" They mean that, you know. Trust me. But they aren't going to tell you what you ARE supposed to do with it when you're at a friend's house and all they have in the bathroom is a stupid empty wastebasket that looks like no one has ever dropped anything in it besides a Q-tip. So now is the time to learn how to wrap these things up in TP and yes, even stuff them right into your purse and NOT forget that you did that when you get home. And yes, you will be carrying a purse now.

Another good thing to practice is how to change these things in a bathroom stall that not only has a missing latch but one of those doors that swings open if you don't hold it. We don't have enough hands for this. So if you don't have a friend to hold the door, you will either have to find something to jam in the door (best option) or hold it shut with your head while you juggle all the necessary items. It's going to happen, so practice at home where if you drop stuff on the floor it's safe to pick it back up.

We gotta talk about the White Shorts thing, too. It's going to happen. You can keep track on a calendar, and you can count days and do all that - and you should - but sometime, somewhere, somehow, the White Shorts are going to bite the dust. Or the White Skirt or the summer dress or something else. But hey, I knew a girl who walked down the street never knowing that the back of her dress was all stuffed up in the waist of her pantyhose, and SHE'S like all grown up and successful now and stuff, so the bloody White Shorts are not going to kill you either. Right now, what you can do is turn to your neighbor - yeah, you can look at each other in here even though we're talking about Embarrassing Stuff - and say, "I promise to TELL you if I see anything like that RIGHT AWAY." See, this is sisterhood. Thank you. None of these old movies ever told me this stuff. I thought I got to walk down the beach in a flowing white dress forever after. They never said how to get the STAINS out of that white dress. So when you buy your boxes of stuff, buy a bottle of stuff called "Z'out" too. Rinse things right away in cold water and then use Z'out on them. Sometimes you can salvage those White Shorts. Sometimes you can't. I didn't say being a woman was easy.

Okay. Let's talk about PMS. We didn't use to have this; it's kind of a new thing. See, what used to happen is any time you got sad or mad or glad about anything, some idiot guy would say. "Gee, is it your hormones?" and this would really piss us off. So now we have taken the power of hormones into our own hands, now we have PMS and we can go around saying "Stay the hell out of MY way! I have PMS!" So it's a thing you can have or not, it's up to you. Neat, huh?

Okay: about cramps. You might have 'em and you might not. Might have 'em now but not later; might not have 'em now and then get 'em when you're older. They might be just a lower tummy achy thing, no big deal, but then again it might feel like if you stand up all your insides are going to hit the floor with this gross wet flopping sound. There are only two things that help cramps, so write these down: naproxen sodium, and biting the heads off family members. That's it.

I gotta say one thing about family members here, specifically your mother. You're going to ask her not to tell people that you started, because you feel weird, but no matter what she says, she's gonna tell people. She's gonna tell EVERYONE, starting with your father and going right on through Aunt Ruth and Mrs. Landers next door, and when they see you they're going to HUG you and stuff, and it's gonna be bad. I don't want to pull any punches here. Can't stop the woman. Just be ready. They'll all get over it.

So now you know some useful stuff about all this, I hope. I knew a lot of stuff at your age, but I don't think I knew any of this. It's the real girl stuff. Don't tell the boys I said so, but girls are better. Boys can pee by the side of the road, but we can rent movies from the Dramas and Romance shelves, and nourish babies from our bodies, and we look a lot better in bikinis. We're cool. And if you ever have a day where you feel bloated and achy and messy and cross and you have a giant hormone-driven Zit from Hell right in the middle of your forehead, remember: Christina Aguilera feels that way once a month too.

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