Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2002-01-02 - 11:27 a.m.

Gimme Gimme

I just found a gift certificate for a pound of See's candy on top of the refrigerator.

I don't know who gave it to me, or why, or when. It's pretty old - the u's are chiseled like v's - but I think they'll still take it.

It made me wicked. I thought, I could go and get this candy, I could have them pack a pound of candy JUST FOR ME. Oh yes. I could point to things and say, "Please put in some of the mochas with the sprinkles, and some of the caramels with nuts, and a few marzipans, and hmm...what else..." and I would hide it on the top shelf in the kitchen and eat every bite my own damn self.

Uh-oh - Bad Mom's back.

Well, hell. There's usually plenty of candy in this house and I don't even eat candy. There are cookies and I don't eat those, and ice cream and I seldom eat any of that. I really don't care much for candy, but there are a few types of See's I do like, and every few years I like to eat some. But if I get a pound of assorted for the family, either I will have to eat candy every day to get some or I will eat one piece and the kids will scarf the rest. I want a box of secret candy, candy that's mine, that I can forget about and then remember some late night just before I go to bed. Candy that I can cut in half with a knife and eat just half a piece because I don't really want a whole piece, I only want a taste.

I hate those assortments, anyway. We always got the assortments when we were kids, and you were supposed to eat what you took. Who can eat a chocolate-covered cherry? Who can eat a piece of See's candy that has goo running out of it? That stuff's not right. But you couldn't throw it away and get another piece, so you had to get good at recognizing the nasty ones on sight. Still, they could disguise one of those awful ones with like liqueur and candied fruit and shit in it, make it look like a perfectly good caramel, and there you'd be with something in your mouth you just couldn't swallow. Also, you weren't supposed to start on the second tier until you had finished the first, even if all that was left on the first was the pink and green bonbons. You could wait a year for someone to eat those things. I can't remember exactly but I bet it was my smart sister who thought of poking holes in the bottom of the things with toothpicks to see what was in them, and then sneaking them back if they weren't the good ones.

So you see, I had a deprived childhood; chewing up fruit and brandy chocolates with tears in my eyes, longing endlessly for the second tier, getting busted for toothpick assaults on the family candy box. I NEED a box all my own, where every chocolate in it is safe to put in my mouth, where none will dribble pink stuff after the first bite, or make my eyes water.

But what kind of a mother hoards candy? What will my children remember? "We had See's Candy, but we weren't allowed to eat any, it was only for Mother." "I remember getting down the box and smelling it sometimes, but we knew she'd catch us if we ate any." What on earth will their therapists think of me?

So I probably won't get a pound of chocolates just for me. That would be selfish. That would be childish. That would be Bad Mom. I will get a box of chocolates for my family, and I will tell them that Santa brought it for all of us. And no, I have no idea why Santa got all mochas and marzipans.

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