Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2002-01-08 - 8:42 a.m.

Getting Clean

The Washing Machine Repair Guy is coming Wednesday.

Now, you would think this would be a wonderful thing. Considering how long I have been without a functioning washing machine. Considering how many trips to how many local laundromats I have made, trudging home with pillowcases full of wet laundry. Considering how many times I have run over to my long-suffering neighbors', whining that I forgot to wash Older Daughter's gym clothes and could I just...? (I have wonderful neighbors, and yes, I can always just.)

So this is very cool, that Washer Guy is coming. It's also very cool that this is not Bad Washer Guy who I always had out before. You see, due to the incredible foresight and brilliance of the people who built these condominiums, I have a stacking washer and dryer, stuffed into a closet in my hallway. Oh yes. If you have no experience with stacking washers and dryers, I can offer you this technical tip: DO NOT EVER BUY STACKING WASHERS AND DRYERS. EVER. That's all you need to know. That way, you will not ever end up hanging by your heels from the top of the dryer down the back of a very small enclosed space, trying to put the dryer vent hose back on the outlet without cutting off the giant ty-wrap which you do not have a replacement for and without slipping and falling directly into the seven-foot chasm full of hoses, vents, and 220v cords. You will not ever have to tell your children, "If Mommy's feet disappear, go and get the neighbors."

But I had no choice; the stacking set came with the house, like the garish wallpaper and the leaky garage roof. And since this tiny closet is the only place plumbed for a washer, that's where they must go. Because they stack, the washer must be a front-loading type, and yes I have read all about how front-load washers are easier on your clothes and leave less soap residue and use less detergent and are in general better for you and the environment, and frankly, Scarlett, I could care. My personal experience tells me that front loading washers are the only type that can malfunction and fill completely with water when you aren't even running them, so completely that there is no telltale water line for you to notice, and then sit there innocently waiting for you to open them so they can dump 100 gallons of water onto your hall carpet. Also, front loading stacking washer and dryer sets are not serviced by most intelligent washing machine repair people, leaving you no choice but to call out Bad Washer Guy, who has a twelve inch butt crack and tells you his back is bad and can you help him move the damned thing out of the closet - apparently not noticing that you are eight months pregnant. (yes, I helped him. Do I look smart to you or something?)

But this time a different guy is coming, he's going to fix my washer so I don't have to go to the laundromat, and this all good and very adult and wonderful and everything, except for one thing. I have this odd bit of programming from my mother that says that all repair and service people are actually spies for the Secret Emily Post/Martha Stewart Society of Housekeeping Investigators, who in turn make reports available to Secret Panel of Worthiness Judges, and we don't even KNOW who they report to, the whole thing is so secret, but we do know that it will go on your Permanent Record if you have dust bunnies - in my case, dust buffalos - on top of your dryer. Even washer guys in their clever butt-crack disguises will not wait one minute after hoisting themselves into their pickup trucks before whipping out their Official Clipboards and checking off "empty toilet paper roll, floor of bathroom" and "socks, unidentified, soiled, mid-hallway." This is why my mother always made us pick up the house before the weekly cleaning woman arrived, so she would not think we were slobs, and now I have also internalized and it and am horribly embarrassed when I have to call a repairman in to see how I have draped my clean brassieres from the laundromat over the back of the sofa.

I'm glad he's coming and I'm nervous that he's coming. My Permanent Record can't take a lot more abuse, but it sure will be nice to throw a last-minute wash in at night when one of the kids announces, "TOMORROW is Green Shirt Day and if I don't have a green shirt the class won't win the ice cream party and it will be all YOUR FAULT." And it will be nice to use my washing machine for something other then emergency storage for dirty socks, clean brassieres, and empty toilet paper tubes.

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