Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2002-03-25 - 7:52 p.m.

Bunny Blues

I got an e-mail from my ex-husband the other day. He wants to know what we're going to do about the Easter Bunny.

I still have believers in this house. They set their baskets out on the table, along with colored eggs and a carrot snack, and go to bed hopeful. The Bunny's never let them down; he takes the eggs and hides them in the yard - never very cleverly, because it's damn cold at four o'clock in the morning out there - and he fills up the baskets with jelly eggs and marshmallow chicks and assorted crap.

(Once, after a full morning of emptying baskets and hunting eggs and tracking all over the house, Youngest found a strand of that ubiquitous plastic grass in the bathroom. Came tearing out yelling, "Mommy! The Easter Bunny went pee at OUR house!")

But the believers will be at their father's house this year. What does the Easter Bunny do with THAT? This is stuff you don't remember to put in the divorce papers. Who gets custody of the Easter Bunny?

Well, I have long maintained that all fantasy figures can only keep track of ONE address per child. I mean, think of Santa's database. He'd not only have to obtain copies of all the custodial agreements, what with the divorce rate and all, he'd have to know who is violating them, or what weekends you've swapped off and all. It would just be too much. Joint legal custody would be okay, meaning either parent can TALK about Santa, but primary physical custody of Santa just has to go to one parent or the other.

So the Easter Bunny comes HERE, in my opinion. Always has, always will. He may be a bit disappointed this year, because I have no intention of coloring eggs all by myself, but he'll probably be relieved not to have to sneak those damn carrots back into the bag. And he'll still fill up the baskets, and they'll be waiting when the girls come home. Because I am NOT sending all that Wal-Crap up to ex's house to be put in baskets. Let the parent who actually suffered Wal-Mart reap the benefit.

There's a whole lot of that kind of stuff that ought to be in divorce agreements. Like if a friend's birthday party falls on a Daddy weekend, who has to buy the kid a present? Like if a tooth falls out on an alternate weekend, does the Tooth Fairy find it anyway? Like if Santa comes to Mom's house, then does Mom buy all the Santa gifts PLUS the Mom gifts, and Dad just buys the Dad stuff? Like if Mom takes the kids somewhere for Christmas, does Santa come with Mom as the custodial parent, or drop the gifts off at Mom's house as the custodial address? And there you are, all making a big deal out of retirement accounts and home equity, and you never get the REALLY important stuff in there.

One address, I say. Maybe this year, what with no eggs or carrots, the Bunny will join me for coffee and a cigarette. I'll make sure the bathroom is clean.

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