Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2004-08-16 - 7:38 a.m.

Social Graces

We're going to BF's house for dinner tonight. The three of us will be joining him and his seventeen kids. Okay - not really seventeen, but they move around so much you'd need a spray can to be sure you counted correctly. There's a pile of them, plus all their friends. It's chaotic. But mostly, I just wanted to know what we should bring. Seems like a simple question, eh? "What would you like us to bring?" Women can answer that question. Men, in my experience, cannot.

See, there are two possible correct answers to that question. One is, "Nothing, thank you, we have it handled," in which case one brings flowers, or wine, or dirty laundry if your washer happens to be broken and you're really good friends. The other possible answer is, "Would you like to bring -------?" This might be dessert, or a salad, or the bread, or again, your dirty laundry - it doesn't matter. It's a specific request that benefits both parties, so you don't show up with chips and salsa only to discover the hostess has made brie canapes to complement her duckling in port reduction, and is now obliged to open and serve your Nacho Cheese Doritos.

Now, here is the WRONG answer to that question: "Whatever you want." This sounds like a gracious answer, but it's really a horrible cliffhanger. Actually, he added that he was making tri-tip and that he had salads, but I know from experience you can't make the logical assumption that you might contribute a common starch such as corn on the cob or garlic bread; he just neglected to mention that he was serving those items as well. In order to be safe, you'd have to make some unusual and unexpected starch, such as sweet potatoes au gratin, which no one would touch and you'd end up taking home. In fact, probably the wise thing is to figure out what we want at home for dinner tomorrow night and bring THAT and take it home untouched; I'd have tomorrow night's dinner pre-cooked.

What I end up doing, because lack of clarity infuriates me, is starting a lengthy e-mail conversation wherein I never quite word the questions correctly and therefore never quite get the answers I need.

"Would you like me to bring a side dish?"

"If you want to."

"I mean, do you need a side dish? Would you rather I brought dessert?"

"It's up to you - do whatever is easy."

"FINE. I'm bringing dessert."

"Okay. :) I have brownies and ice cream."

"I hate you. You're getting flowers."

"????"

Of course, he honestly does not care if I show up with Doritos, or sweet potatoes, or a kangaroo on a retractable leash. Or nothing at all. It doesn't matter. We'll all get fed and we'll have fun. It's my upbringing that doesn't want to let me arrive emptyhanded for someone's dinner.

The best idea I have on the subject was offered by a good friend a few years ago. He joked about giving sponges as Christmas gifts, since that's the only thing you can find late Christmas Eve at the only open drugstore. I adapted the idea to serve as my all-purpose hostess gift. Everyone needs a new sponge! If you can't use it today, you can put it under the sink for later! I go all out on these - I get the ones with a scrubby side that has PATTERNS. Chili peppers! Teacups! If your kitchen sponge is ratty, invite me to dinner.

Due to a history of poor communication between us, BF already has a collection of new sponges under his sink. So I'm thinkin' flowers. If I can't find a kangaroo.

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