Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2001-10-04 - 7:15 p.m.

What We Do To Kids

(oh keeerist, not more WTC stuff.)

Plankton writes that her daughter got a school assignment to write about her feelings about the WTC disaster, and that she overrode the assignment. Wonderful Plankton.

My best friend tells me her daughter's school has long been wanting to relandscape, and that now they are fund-raising for a WTC "memory stream", where each school child will place a memorial stone.

Grief counseling is advertised at my daughter's elementary to help the children with the grief and terror they MUST be feeling. No?

Why is it that we can never wait for the children to tell us how they're feeling? Why must we assume their feelings and involve them in emergency programs to fix things they may or may NOT be feeling in the first place?

Some children are struggling with this one. They TELL us so. If they're old enough, we can talk to them about it. If they're younger, they act it out, and we respond. Are they feeling sad, or are they feeling scared? What do they need from us? Does a child who is frightened of airplanes now really need to place a memorial stone for the dead?

Some children are not struggling. It's a long way away. They don't know these people; they may not yet be ready to deal with GRAMMA'S death of old age as a reality, much less absorb the sudden horrific loss of vast numbers of strangers. Let them play. Stop creating a reaction for them. "The school keeps saying I'm sad, but I don't FEEL sad - is there something wrong with me?" Great - there's the next step in job security for your grief counselors.

Pardon, but I have the feeling we are dealing with our own feelings of powerlessness by Taking Care of Our Children a little too vigorously. I am Doing Something Important, I am Contributing, I am Fixing This Damn Thing. Wait. Adult problems are adult problems; adult powerlessness shouldn't be fixed by herding small children into even the most benevolent of programs based on adult anguish.

I'm not saying the services and support aren't needed. I'm just saying - let the kids have some say in their individual needs. Stop rushing in with massive supplies of woolen blankets when the problem may be drought. We believe in your good intentions. We believe you care about our children. Please listen first.

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