Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2001-10-24 - 12:53 p.m.

Well Duhh

I did something terrible today, something heinous, something that made Older Daughter feel disgusted, repulsed, disappointed, and frustrated with me.

Something. I don't know what, though.

The weird thing is that whatever it was, it happened when she was at school, because I got a cheery "Bye, Mom!" when I dropped her off this morning; but by the time I picked her up she had that eye-rolling thing going on big-time, and I was obviously persona completely freakin' non grata.

She yelled at me for something, and I yelled back telling her to STOP YELLING AT ME RIGHT NOW (that's from the Maturity in Action School of Parenting, you know) and then she was insolent, so I refused to help her with her homework, and we are quite the pair today, aren't we? Charming.

She asks me questions out of the blue, like "Mom, where do you put the decimals in the stuff with parentheses?" This is in the car, without any preamble. Or, "Why did you slow down on that street that time before?" And I have learned NOT to say, "Pardon?", but even when I give her a measured calm, "I am sorry, but I do not understand the question," I only get the same question back in the same words, but LOUDER. If I try to answer it, and the answer is wrong - ANGHHHH goes the eye-rolling buzzer, and I'm out of that round. She's disgusted. "Just never mind!" It must be so hard for her, to be saddled with an imbecile for a mother. At least she isn't alone - I expect all the other middle school girls have imbecile mothers, too. Perhaps we should all get together and make potholders, or something.

I do get apologies. Heartfelt, sweet, touching apologies. Oddly enough, though, they only appear after consequences have been announced for her behavior, or she's decided she needs something from me. Then she's truly sorry. She is, and I believe it - she's sorry that I'm too mad to give her what she wants. We're ALL sorry when we get busted, sweetheart. I've had her tested and her hindsight is 20/20, just like mine.

I know, I know; parents get real stupid during these years, and then they get smarter as the kid grows up. Problem is, I'm really NOT getting smarter, I'm getting ditizier, so by the time she realizes I have a brain, I probably won't. If she wants to appreciate MY intellect, she'd better get on the accelerated plan.

I'm not trying to give her advice on her social life or her homework. Well, okay, sometimes I am, I can't help it; useless maternal advice like, "I wouldn't want to be friends with a girl who acted like that to me" and "you'll get a better grade if you put out a little more effort" just kind of falls out of my mouth sometimes. But mostly, I'm just trying to answer the questions she puts to ME, and hang on to the remaining fragments of my dignity, and not give in to the impulse to bang my head into the wall or start flubbering my lips with my finger.

She's a smart kid, and she can be kindhearted and creative and generous and wonderful; I still see these things often enough to keep me in the mothering business. But so much of the time these days she's got a serious case of reverse rectocranial attitude, and I'm having a very hard time finding my Good Mom incarnation.

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