Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2001-12-05 - 8:47 a.m.

Holiday Houseguests

Ants! I have ants again!

I hate ants. I mean, I don't hate ants exactly; I hate the person ants turn me into. I'm generally peaceable, laissez faire, easy to get along with. I take spiders outside, unless it's really really cold or past three a.m (we all have limits.) Do you KNOW how long it takes to take ants outside on a paper towel? And then they just come right back in. The same ants, I swear it.

I always see the scouts and I think, "I can live with a few ants." I have weird ants anyway; they like cold medicine much more than sugar, for example. They hang out, don't get into too much. So I figure a few ants, what the hey, no big deal.But every year I forget there is NO SUCH THING as a few ants. If you show hospitality, or even neutrality, they get on their little ant cell phones and call all their brothers and sisters and grandparents and cousins and give them directions, and when you get up the next morning it's the Antsodus going on right across your kitchen counter, little ant covered wagons and Airstreams and stuff, and they're settling the New Land.

I wrote about my pantry, and they must have gotten all excited about that waffle maker, because now they're all in my pantry like it was a Historical Landmark they just have to visit. "See the World's Tallest Box of Bisquick!" They're not eating anything in there, just crawling all over taking pictures or something, I don't know; but how am I going to get them OUT?

BF bleaches his ants. I don't get it, but it works for him, he likes bleach because it has that whole disinfectant cachet. Now flies I have seen walk on some pretty dirty things, I'm not eating anything I know a fly has walked on, but ants - well, call me crazy, I can pick off an ant and still eat the sandwich. But BF has to disinfect his ants. I don't think they lighten in color any, but they do croak, and then he can wipe them up with a sponge and then bleach the entire counter and feel good about it until the next day when the Million Ant March starts all over again. Don't ever tell him I pick ants off his sandwiches.

I have ant spray. I got it out and put it on the counter. I sprayed a little, up high on the windowframe where they were coming in. Maybe they'll respond to threats. I can't stand the smell of ant spray and I can't stand the thought of using ant spray in my kitchen, but I'll do it, you watch me. I'm just waiting for some ant to make my day.

What's going to put me over the edge is the hitchhikers. Even if I have only five ants in the entire kitchen, and all I do is run into the kitchen and grab my coffee out of the microwave and run out again, an ant will get on me and crawl across my hand or my face two minutes later. I can't stand that. I'm scratching my scalp as I write about it. Why do they want to get on me? Where do they want me to take them? Am I an ant cabbie?

I have ants in the bathroom. Why do ants go in my bathroom? I assure you I do not take crumby snacks into the shower with me. Yet there are ants in the shower. Go on, tell me they are seeking water. It's dumping buckets outside right now and has been for days; they only come IN when it rains. Dumb ass shower ants.

It looks all quiet in the kitchen now. I just walked in there and I don't see any ant type activity happening. I wish I could trust that. I just know they're regrouping somewhere, discussing strategy, reminding each other not to accept service on those little ant eviction papers. I wish I could negotiate with them. I have a perfectly dry unused doghouse in the backyard; I would buy them a case of their favorite Nyquil and some warm little ant blankets, and they could make little swimming pools out of tuna cans and generally have a nice little upscale Ant Community happening out there. But this is MY house, and that is MY pantry, and I already have way more roommates than I have patience. I do not like to see my spilled coffee grounds MOVE and I do not like to have houseguests that crawl out of my hair.

I don't want to be a cold-blooded killer, but some things you just can't REASON with.

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