Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2002-08-24 - 5:23 p.m.

I'm Down With Google

You gotta love Google. I love Google. When I sit down at the computer and no one has written me any e-mail and there's nothing happening at the writer's site, I go look and see how people are googling this site up. Most of my googlers only stay for one page; I'm not much use for the things they need (although I did once get a lovely letter from a gentleman who was looking for furnace filters and hung around to read anyway.)

Most of my people are looking for bathing caps, which I mentioned a year ago and can't live down, or Eskimo porn. Now I thought Eskimo porn was a term I invented, but it apparently exists. Or maybe it doesn't, and if it doesn't, man, there is one HELL of a market for it out there. I can't imagine it, myself. I recently went to SEE an Eskimo film, and I can tell you this: if Eskimo porn starts out with clothes on, those are going to be some mighty long dirty movies. You would have to be really convinced that Eskimos have something unique to offer, to hang around as she struggles out of that fourth wolfskin parka. That's what I think.

I get a lot of "flowered panties" and sometimes "flowered + panties + ass." That would be ass panties, people. Not elbow panties, nor yet the kind of panties you put on lamb chops; ass panties. With flowers. No, these people cannot be shoppers, I'm sure. The bathing cap people want to buy bathing caps, and the furnace filter people want to buy furnace filters, but I bet the ass panties people have a different agenda. Until you get into the Internet, you don't understand how specific a fetish can be, do you? I have solid color underwear and lace ones and probably some stripes and maybe some paisley - I'm not giving too much away here, am I? - but these people want flowers, and they won't stop until they find pictures of some ass wearing them.

I'm not real sure about all the people who google me for "adult discipline," either. I'd like to think they're working hard on growing up and being responsible community members, like I am. Trying to figure out how to do the tasks of life with some grace and enthusiasm, yeah. Adult discipline. But I'm just not so sure. I bet some of 'em just want a spanking. I'm not sure if it's the same people who used to google me up for mouth + soaping. Always wondered what THEY were up to. Did they want to do it, and want to meet other people who liked to do it, and exchange recipes and stuff? "One part Lavoris to two parts Lemon Joy, but only if you've been REALLY bad."

Not all my googlers are fetishists, though. I get a lot of hits for "superior court" and for "stacking washer and dryer." Oh, you could IMAGINE they were fetishists, I suppose - who knows what judges wear under those robes, and I myself am quite fond of the smell of clean laundry - but really, you have to give the benefit of the doubt somewhere. People do use the Internet to shop and to get information, you know. After they've downloaded those panty pics.

Today I got googled for "I want to measure my boyfriend's penis." That's another interesting one, isn't it? I mean, if you wanted to do it - although I can't think why - then you'd do it. Almost every house has a ruler around somewhere. Or a yardstick, as the case may be. But why would you? Does this woman have some sort of a guestbook where she records these things? Were she and he actually arguing over the issue, with his claiming an inch she felt wasn't rightfully his? Who gives a flying Eskimo? On the other hand, perhaps SHE wants to measure it and HE isn't having any. It wouldn't be exactly the kind of thing you could sneak up in the night and get away with, would it? You'd have to lie, have to be all, "I'm KNITTING you something, it's a surprise, just hold still."

Some of this stuff is just way beyond ME.

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