Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2002-08-26 - 12:36 p.m.

Conversations with Mother

One: How to Complicate Things

My mother called to ask me to pick her up something at the store: she wants a pair of 20/20 glasses.

"Uh, a what?" I say, stupidly.

Glasses! 20/20 glasses, so she can SEE!

Uh. Wow. 20/20 glasses; now THOSE would sell, wouldn't they? If they existed, I would have to be all pissed off that I hadn't invented them.

Alternately, one could consider ALL glasses to be 20/20 glasses for SOMEONE. It's entirely in the way you look at it.

"What the hell is a diopter? I'VE never heard of that. I just want the 20/20 ones. Haven't you ever heard of 20/20? That's how they measure sight."

We struggle on through the conversation, with me hollering so she can hear and trying to THINK at the same time: what sort of explanation will make sense to her? What exactly does she want to DO?

"I don't WANT to go back to the eye doctor. I'm tired of doctors and there's nothing he can do for me." She's pretty right on that score.

We end up, after a half hour or so, arriving at the conclusion that she WILL go with me to the drugstore to choose reading glasses, although she can't imagine any store that would let you just try glasses on, AND she can't fathom the idiocy of a daughter who doesn't understand what 20/20 glasses are.

And at the end of the conversation, she says, "Well, it will be good to see if the carpet is dirty or not!"

Oops.

Back into the fray.

Reading glasses are not going to tell you much about the carpet, unless wearing them walking down the hall causes you to fall on your face, thus bringing the carpet into the correct focal distance for inspection.

"Damn! All I wanted was 20/20 glasses and now you've gotten me into this whole mess with glasses I can't even walk in!"

I do complicate things, don't I? A simple request, and a half hour later I've got her face-down on the rug with Dean Edell.

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Two: Vodka & Dumplings

Are you going to the store today? I need some onions to cook this chicken. I don't want to throw another one away like the last one.

Okay, I can go to the store and get you some onions, but where did this chicken come from?

I think you bought it for me last time you went. I just need onions.

Uh, wait a minute...(not recalling any chicken) Did you look at the date on that chicken?

Yes, I did, and it's fine, it says August 13th.

Uh-oh, Ma. You can't eat that. It's August 26th now. Throw the chicken away.

I can't throw the chicken away, that will be the second one, that's ten dollars worth of chicken. That's too much waste.

It's going to be too much waste if you get sick and throw up and have diarrhea, too.

You're right. I wouldn't want to be sick and maybe die all alone in this house and have nobody find me for three weeks.

(Sigh.) Okay. So throw the chicken away. Now, you want me to bring you another chicken that you can cook TODAY?

I think this chicken is fine. You come look at it.

I don't want to look at any stinky chicken, Ma. Throw the chicken away. I'll buy you another chicken.

Oh, all right. I still think it's such a waste. And pick me up a big big bottle of vodka, too, will you?

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