Kathleen McCall:
Occasional�� Muse�

2001-08-28 - 9:00 a.m.

Stuff I Don't Get

"The world is so full of a number of things....."

"Drug-Free Zone". These signs are sprouting up around our schools. What do they mean? Aren't drugs illegal on the OTHER side of the sign, too? Or is it like a Double-Fine Construction Zone? Do you get busted twice?

Or maybe legal drugs are illegal in this zone. Maybe if they searched my purse, I'd get taken in on a naproxen sodium violation.

"Baby On Board". Oh, gee, thanks. I was planning on RAMMING your new Lexus SUV, but now I may have to reconsider. A baby, wow. Maybe I better just run my key along your side panel instead.

"Traffic School OnLine!" Is it just me? "You been a bad, bad driver...you go surf now." Do they have midget racers? Do you need a joystick? You know, the concept of traffic school in general is pretty funny. Do people learn anything? What would make you slow down more, thinking you might get a $200 ticket or thinking you might have to spend another evening at home on the computer?

I have a friend that used to do traffic school once in a while. The last time she went, when they went to show the "Blood on the Highway" movie, they said, "This film is extremely graphic. If these things bother you, you may wait outside while we show it." I don't get it. I thought the film was SUPPOSED to make you sick. Who would choose to stay? "Dismemberment, decapitation, yeah! Got any popcorn?" Even if I WANTED to see the film, I wouldn't want to stay in the room with other people who would.

Speaking of bloody films, I rented "Trainspotting" a few years ago. The girl at the desk said, "It's not about trains, you know." I said yes, I knew what it was about, but thanks. She said they have to tell people, or they're all pissed off when they return the film.

"It said TRAINS! Right on the box, TRAINS! There's no trains in it anywhere! That's sick! I want a free rental so I can get The Mummy!"

I don't get it. If you haven't got your glasses with you, that nice girl at the desk will read the back of the boxes to you, you know.

Also, that film was somewhat vilified for "glorifying" heroin addiction. Did you see the part where it glorified heroin addiction? I must have slept through that part, or something. Good film. No glory anywhere. Appropriately.

"Celebrity Recipes." What? Do we have some reason to believe Robert Duvall can make killer minestrone? What is the connection between fame and cooking prowess? I bet most of these people don't cook all that often anyway. This is weird, people. "Like it? I got the recipe from Gary Coleman."

"Mean People Suck." I see these bumper stickers more and more. What the hell does THAT mean? That you're daring and unique enough not to like mean people? That you're intellectual enough to put the word "suck" on your car bumper? I wonder if it's one of those oblique AA sayings, like "Easy Does It" that you can't figure out because it's a secret brotherhood thing like the Freemasons. Doesn't SOUND like AA, but perhaps AA is trying to keep up with the times. Maybe "Let Go and Let God" was too hokey, so now it's "Mean People Suck." I don't think it's going to work, though.

"...I'm sure we should all be completely dazed and confused." That's how it went, right?

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